A while ago, I erased my old blog Fictional Rockstar. I got rid of every post I'd ever written, every word that I had constructed. It was a dissertation of my life, and more than anything, I wanted to see it gone. It had taken on a life of its own and it didn't belong to me. It belonged to an 'us'. You see, a year into the blog, I suddenly found myself writing to an audience of one. I wasn't just writing for myself. I was writing to and for him.
I think that the blog was as much mine as it was his. The rest of the readers? They were wonderful, but they weren't always the intended readers. In fact, they rarely were.
The words that were happy, the words that were testy, the words that weren't there?
They all belonged to him.
I couldn't change my feelings about that blog or about him. That was a very unique time in my life. One that I probably will never ever forget as long as I live. When I quit writing for good, I'll remember that blog and I'll remember to whom it was ultimately dedicated.
But then he, he to whom I had secretly given every word, every idea, every thing, changed his mind. He said, "I have changed my feelings about you. It took time, but I have changed my feelings."
I questioned his phrasing hoping that it was something that was awkwardly constructed, something that had come out incoherently.
How can one change one's feelings? I didn't believe that it was humanly possible.
I knew that feelings could change, and I had always thought of it as a passive act, not an active one. If he had said, "My feelings for you have changed. I don't see you the same way," I would have understood that. And he told me that I should do the same thing for him. Change my feelings about him. I could have as soon changed my feelings as I could have my eye color or my blood type or my ability to speak.
I didn't know that I could force my feelings into another category. Move from love to like or from like to tolerate. I didn't know that. I didn't know how to do that.
I refused to force my feelings to do anything. They changed of course, from love to sadness (with love) to disappointment (with love) to hatred (with love )and then to quiet contentment still, with love. I, however, to the end, to this day, have not changed my feelings. They have changed me.
I won't ever approach anything or anyone the same way. I'm a bit more hesitant and cautious, but I will never change my feelings. They are what they are. And they make me who I am.
Through the magic of google reader (the blog reading service), I was able to get back a year's worth of postings from my old blog Fictional Rockstar. I reread a bunch of postings last night. It was as if the reader knew which year it was supposed to store. It kept from late January 2006 right until the middle of 2007. I got to look back on that span of time and remember so many things about myself, so many feelings I used to have (and still have), and witness so much of my life that has changed, I daresay for the better.
I'm not ashamed or upset by anything I wrote or felt in those years, and I hope that one day, I'll be more like that writer--that version of me--who wrote that blog. She was a pretty terrific person, even if I didn't get that at the time.